July 2018 Philadelphia Chapter of Pax Christi U.S.A.

Maybe He Was Just Looking For A Television

Teenager? Terrorist? Or both? Those were the questions the convoy leader in Afghanistan kept asking himself. Almost 10 years ago, a teenager jumped into the front seat of his vehicle, startling him and requiring him to make a split-second response—the result of which would last both their lifetimes. One died and one lived.

Now as his own son reaches the same age as the teenager in the jeep the soldier sits and tells this story for the first time. After multiple deployments on three continents, he “knew” the enemy could be anyone anywhere. As the commander of the convoy, he had to be vigilant. Service in Somalia had taught him that one never knows who the enemy is. That day in question, his convoy was surrounded by civilians. His driver was not adequately protecting their vehicle from the crowds. Tensions were high. “Kids” seemed to be everywhere. Were they just “kids,” or were they trained as the enemy? Whatever the answer, the soldier and the teenager faced each other speaking a different language.

As a teenager himself, he had been an excellent student, straight “A’s.” A three-sport athlete, he received a full athletic college scholarship. Only an injury kept him from an athletic career. A career in the military has been a satisfactory and successful substitute. Yet now after further injury he was unable to make a final deployment with his unit. Separated from his buddies, he began to feel guilty about “not being there.” And the guilt got him thinking.

His marriage has gone well. He and his wife have two healthy children. Who knew his worry about his son’s continued health would be a factor in his “chief complaint?” He had suppressed that fateful day in Afghanistan for almost ten years. The experience was not something he would discuss with his wife. Too traumatic for her! But just recently his older son became the same age as the teenager who had startled him by jumping into his vehicle that fateful day. The soldier knew at some level that his current overly protective behavior toward his teenage son would not bring life back to the Afghan teenager. Yet similar age, combined with guilt, had become a fateful juxtaposition!

Current guilt about being separated from his buddies triggers memories of the prior unresolved guilt of that fateful day. Nightmares, irritability, depression, chronic physical pain and concern for the welfare of his son are now all part of his story. Although he believes he made the right decision to protect himself and his unit, he knows he remains troubled.

He is a religious person, goes to church regularly and thinks that God understands. He is not certain his wife would. Their son wants to go to the Air Force Academy. If his wife knew of this soldier’s fateful day, would she prevent their son from military service?

He has not discussed it with his Chaplin. Was it really a decision or a reaction? Was it just the wrong place at the wrong time? Did he experience bad “moral luck?” Was he responsible but not culpable? Did he and the teenager both play a part?

These are questions that have been—surprisingly—seldom addressed in any systematic way by society. In a September 2017 article in The New Yorker magazine, “Accide ntal Killers” The Challen ges of Living After You’ve Caused Another’s Death, Alice Gregory addresses them. She says there are no self-help books for accidentally

killing another person—“no therapeutic protocols, publically listed support groups, or therapists who specialize in their treatment.”

Gregory’s article further states “The Center for Disease Control and Prevention lists nearly one hundred and forty- seven thousand unintentional injury deaths” in 2015. Neither the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety nor the National Transportation Safety Board track people who unintentionally cause the death of another. Gregory further states that neither the American Counseling Association, the American Psychological Association, nor the American Automobile Association know of any experts in this field.

Maybe no one pays any attention to the perpetrators of accidental killings because they are such incredibly random events. Yet no matter how random the event, the reaction and response is not. In the film, “Manchester by the Sea” (2016), a young father accidentally causes a house fire that kills his three children. The accidental fire leads the parents, in their grief, to divorce. One of the most poignant scenes in film history occurs as they meet years later, trying to explain to one another what happened to their marriage. Grief ripped it apart. They were overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

Gregory brings up the problem of “moral luck,” an issue that has been addressed by philosophers from Aristotle to Kant to Bernard Williams (1981)1. and Thomas Nagel (1976).2. Gregory noted that “Jeff McMahan, a professor of moral philosophy at Oxford, says… ‘People who are not culpable can nevertheless be responsible.’”

And what are these people, these accidental killers to do? Gregory notes that Maimonides, the Jewish philosopher, argues “that in the collective grief the individual grief is assuaged.” The ritual of shared conversation is critical.

As I listened further to this soldier, I knew what he needed to do and said, “You must discuss this situation with your wife.” He did. It took months of work individually and together. The receptive social system or, in his case, his nuclear and extended family is a resource for “mending a broken heart.” Some grief is so monumental that it cannot be contained within an individual or within a relationship but must become collective.

The patient reports a 75-80 percent improvement in his symptoms. He no longer views his son as his soldier. The days of not being able to get out of bed are gone. He claims a 95 percent improvement in his home life.

He still wonders, “What if that kid who jumped into my vehicle and whom I killed was just curious about the television computer screen on the dashboard of my vehicle?”

Ted Beal Edward W. Beal, MD, Psychiatrist, Department of the Army, Department of Tele-Health, U. S. Army Medical

Department Activity, Fort Meade

1. Williams, Bernard (1981). "Moral Luck". Moral Luck: Philosophical Papers 1973-1980. Cambridge: University Press. pp.20–39. OCLC 7597880.

2. Nagel, Thomas (1979). "Moral Luck" (PDF). Mortal Questions. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. pp. 24–38. OCLC 4135927.